Enter the new year, spent outside on the hard packed snow, in a chair and wrapped in a blanket, staring at a fire and feeling tired, confused. Missing the actual turn of the new year, only distant fireworks the clue that the year had changed. People gathering together to happily celebrate another year spinning together in space. Last year at the same time, sitting in the same place, doing the same thing with both a good friend and The Mister. Mirth. Happiness. This year, The Mister sitting four feet away, no New Year's kiss, and then alone for hours, feeding the flames under the huddling silhouettes of tall trees against the dark, starry sky. Watching the smoke wafting up from the burning wood and feeling envy, wishing that I could just float up into the sky, slowly dissipating into... nothing.

The call of an owl brings a momentary smile, wishing that I could hear the distant call more clearly over nearby traffic noise so that I could answer back. A moment of lightness, fleeting, but appreciated. And a text from a dear friend. Another smile.

But the night was waning. How curious to watch the fire licking around the edges of a huge chunk of icy snow laid on the logs to extinguish the flames. How odd, the ice and flame together, neither affecting the other at all for what seemed like minutes. Thinking that somehow the fire and ice symbolized something about my life, but with no idea what and being too achingly tired at that very late hour to even try to figure it out.

And spending the first night of the New Year sleeping alone.

Dreams for the past four nights of planes crashing, both mine and of others, and struggling to escape burning houses. Trying to figure out why my mind wants to scare me in the night. Strangeness during waking hours, too, trying to figure out who I am, who my friends are, what I'm doing here. Wishing that life could be somehow less confusing. Wanting to be the person whom I once was and trying to figure out how I can get back there. Realizing that I should once again keep my own counsel.

Wondering what the new year will bring. Just breathing deeply and focusing on other things, confident that something will work out because, no matter how bad things have ever seemed, something always has. I always land on my feet, even if it's not exactly when or where I had imagined.