If you've been on the internet enough, you've seen and read stuff way worse than this, but if some ultra-conservative folks just happen to come across this blog, let me warn you that this post is about... you guessed it... penises. If that offends you, just stop reading right now. Seriously. Stop.
(01/06/07 updated disclaimer: to the GUYS who may take this post wrong, I adore men. Really I do. Many of my best friends have been men. I think guys are peachy. I think PENISES are just peachy. Just thought that I should mention it.)
Okay, the rest of you may continue.
Starting at around four years old, young boys go through a stage where they're particularly fond of their penises. This phase peters out (hee, hee, pun intended) at about six years old and then they pretty much forget about it until around puberty, from which time on it becomes a huge influence in their lives until, well, the end of it.
We've already survived that first infatuation when our older son went through it, but our younger son is just entering it. My son seems to think that "Penis" deserves the respect that is afforded all the rest of the family. Penis talks. Penis laughs. Penis tells me when it's time for dinner. Penis apparently shoots bullets and missiles capable of taking down my son's imaginary foes. In his mind, Penis has phenominal cosmic powers.
Left on his own with only a male viewpoint as an influence, I'm sure that this belief would persist unchecked up through adulthood. Still, as the only female in a house full of males, I feel that it's my responsibility to put things into perspective. Being a girl isn't because there is a lack of penis, but just having something something other than a penis. Having a penis doesn't make you superior to women, just different from them. Okay, so that difference will dominate much of his thinking when he grows up (if that's the way he is inclined), but why spoil the plot for him now? Come to think of it, no matter how he's inclined, it's one body part that will rule his life. He'll discover that fact during puberty well before he bestows Penis with a name of its own.
Don't get me wrong, I think that penises certainly do have their good qualities. I really do. But my son must learn that his penis is really just a body part and, even if it's a really amusing body part, it's not the Master of the Universe.
Until I can get that through to him, though, it's "All hail Penis Almighty!"
I sure have my work cut out for me on this one.
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I really had to smile :)
ReplyDeleteVive la Différence!
"In his mind, Penis has phenominal cosmic powers."
ReplyDeleteRolling around on the floor laughing at this - I've dated too many men who believe this. I'm so glad that you are working to eliminate the "Master of the Universe" thinking!
hmmmm
ReplyDeletele nightowl-
ReplyDeleteVive la Différence!
I absolutely agree!
Bienvenue and thank you for stopping by!
-velvet
thisisme-
ReplyDeleteI think that anyone who has grown to adulthood has either met or dated a man like that. I'm just doing my bit for the women of tomorrow. ;)
-velvet
brooklyn frank-
ReplyDeleteYup.
-velvet
You're so right. My three year old is always playing with his penis. He likes to run around naked and point out to me, "Mommy, my penis sees you." My oldest son did this as well but now that he's almost six, he has outgrown that phase and instead goes around making grand pronouncements like, "Penises are only for boys. Boys are cool." and asking questions like, "God didn't give girls penises because he ran out of them?"
ReplyDeleteI can handle this age, especially because they just make me laugh, but I'm a little afraid of the puberty thing
liz-
ReplyDeleteI hear you! I'm terrified of the whole puberty thing. I did hear that it's easier with boys than it is with girls, but it just seems frightening either way. Shudder.
Your older son's comments are absolutely fantastic. I love it! I guess that it's a kid's job to figure it all out. :)
All in all, though, I love having boys and adore them for the way that they are.
-velvet
Great post! I have remarked on many occasions that not having a penis in the male chauvinist household of my childhood put one at a tremendous disadvantage. Well, this one, anyway.
ReplyDeleteMy friend's little son at about 5 referred to his penis as a lighthouse, which was charming in ways he didn't even know.
I've wondered forever where males got the idea In The First Place that their penises are supergalactic forces. In a long ago time before time, there was goddess worship. When did it change, and why?
Some people never get out of the penis talking stage.
ReplyDeleteheart-
ReplyDeleteFrom all that you've said, it sounds like you really had to suffer under the extreme example of this. You have my hearfelt sympathy for all that you had to deal with.
Why did goddess worship end? Excellent question. Perhaps the men got jealous and started a smear campaign that was a little too successful? That's my best guess. It's too bad.
-velvet
mist-
ReplyDeleteSo true, in a sad sort of way.
-velvet
OMG that is so frigging funny! My kids are also very interested in their natural endowments (and mine...*shudder*) I like how the penis talks and has a whole personality to match. On the bright side, you won't have to pay to put the penis through college because it already knows everything.
ReplyDeletefranny-
ReplyDelete"On the bright side, you won't have to pay to put the penis through college because it already knows everything."
Thanks for the laugh! I think that its' field of interest is rather focused, kind of like having a doctorate... would that make it Dr. Penis or Penis PhD? ;)
The curiousity at this age is interesting and fairly innocuous, but they are noticing that there are differences. I try to answer their questions about the male/female differences as best as I can. I'd better get myself ready, though, because I'm sure that I'm going to end up giving "the talk" over the course of our school work. Yipes!
-velvet
So, did anyone notice that the men are conspicuously absent in this comment thread? Well, with the exception of brooklyn frank, who was bold enough to register a non-comment.
ReplyDeleteGuys, where are you?
In all honesty, I think you're fantastic, penises included. I'm not poking fun (poking? ha, ha?), just discussing a sometimes charming difference between boys and girls.
Or has Penis told you not to comment in protest? ;)
Just wondering.
-velvet
I thought I was the only one whose son's fave bathtub toy was, well, guess what. He's only eighteen months now...thanks for warning me what the next 4.5 years will be like!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, is it possible that boys are still obsessed w/their penises after age six, but just a little more shy about making this infatuation known? Just wondering.
mrs. j-
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not alone! The attention that my son paid to his was so constant that we had to make rules like "only in the house" and "not when we have company." He was fine with that. Nowadays, he barely pays it any mind at all, even when he's in his birthday suit.
I actually did read somewhere that there was a lull in interest between this first stage and puberty (thank goodness). Of course, once it comes back at puberty, the focus is there to stay. ;)
Thanks for stopping by!
-velvet
Penises. When young, you're like, "This has GOT to be used for more than just peeing." It just hangs there, begging to be moved like a gear shift or aimed like a turret gun, or a pen when there's snow on the ground. Then you get older and realize that it's not something that's talked about in normal conversation. So you only play with the gear shift and the turret gun in the bathtub. Next comes the age where you realize that if you move your hips the right way, you can almost make a clapping sound as it slaps against your legs. Then comes the age where the turret gun actually fires something you've never seen before. And, man does it feel good. So good, that you will try to have that feeling at least once a day for the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very versatile appendage.
kevin-
ReplyDeleteThank you for being the brave male who weighed in on the subject! Bravo!
Yes, it's a most useful and amusing appendage, or at least I've always thought so. Thank you for the penis owner's viewpoint. It's something for me to keep in mind as my sons grow up.
As Marie said, Vive la Différence!
Thanks for stopping by!
-velvet