Saturday, February 3, 2007

Target is a No-Fun Zone

My friend, Sasha, and I were asked to leave Target the other night. I've never been kicked out of Target before. This was a first for me. The problem was that we were face to face with a woman who, judging by the blank yet miserable look on her face, had no sense of humor whatsoever. To her it seemed life was a very serious thing indeed. Unfortunately, Sasha and I didn't share her serious outlook on life and that was at the heart of the misunderstanding.

Now, there are things in life that I actually do take very seriously, like safety issues concerning driving, climbing, water safety, or anything where I could possibly be endangering someone else's life or my own. Also, I'm not out to expose my "personal attributes" in public, either, because I'm sensitive to other people's conservative outlooks where some body parts are concerned and I wouldn't want to subject other people to that kind of psychological trauma. There are even times when I deem it necessary to polish up the old boarding school manners and put them on for a while.

However....

This was neither the time nor the place for such seriousness. I have no qualms with generally causing a scene in public or acting like an idiot for my own and/or others' amusement. To be truthful, with the exception of those "prep school manners" moments, I'm not particularly concerned about offending someone else's sense of propriety. Not acting my age? That's my specialty. I take particular delight in romping about like a deranged puppy because there's simply just too much fun to be had.

I do have a strict set of rules for my misbehavior, though:

1. Don't do anything that might hurt innocent bystanders.
2. Leave things the way that I found them or neater.
3. If I break it, I buy it.

Hey, it's the least that I can do. I'm a mischief maker with a conscience.

So, fate led us to Target the other night after Sasha and I had gorged on Mexican food at a restaurant nearby. I had thrown down the gauntlet last week and challenged him to a light-sabre duel at Target to defend my honor and the time had come to make good on my challenge. We headed to Toys. Were we inconspicuous? Nope. Sasha is six foot four inches tall and isn't inconspicuous anywhere. Not only that, it was nearly closing time and the aisles were deserted.

Well, except for "the toy department woman", that is. I think that I heard her mutter, "Oh, no," when I grabbed a ball from the big ball bin and threw it down the big aisle to Sasha and then grabbed a bat for a few attempts to send the ball out of the park. She was ramping up. By the time that we got to the bikes, she tersely asked us if she could help us and told us that we could sit on the bikes for size, but couldn't ride them in the store.

But we weren't really that concerned about the bikes because we had something more serious to think about: the duel. We located our weapons and then took our positions in the aisle. After a few warm-up hits, the fight began in earnest. As he had predicted, Sasha's reach was a clear asset for him as we swung at each other. He knocked my light-sabre out of my hand and picked it up as I scrambled to re-arm myself. I threw myself into the fight with renewed vigor. At one weapon to his two and with a distinct height disadvantage, I was starting to smell defeat when we heard it from the next aisle over.

"That's it! You two have to go!"

It was Toy Department Lady. And she was mad. She fumed around the corner as Sasha went to put his weapons on the shelf. I looked at her for a moment. She stood there with her hands on her hips, staring at us with a blank yet angry expression on her face that made her look a little like a pissed off turtle.

Thoughts tumbled madly through my mind as I stood looking at her. "Why?" was the first thing that popped into my mind, but looking at her, I knew that she wasn't going to have a good answer for that. I'm sure that it would have just led to a talk with the manager or one of the security folks and Sasha and I had already planned to get a cup of coffee at Barnes & Noble, so we just didn't have the time for that kind of nonsense. I put everything back, undamaged and the way that I had found them, under her stern and unimaginative gaze. I know that she was taking her job of getting her department in order just before closing very seriously, but she didn't know me and didn't know about my "three golden rules of misbehavior," all of which I intended to honor. It just wasn't worth the argument, so we left the store and headed off to the bookstore for our coffee.

Still, the most important thing that I learned that night was that I got my butt whipped and Sasha must have out-hit me by at least two-to-one. Now there is another contest in the works and this time it has to be something where he can't use his height to his advantage. I proposed a tricycle race. He accepted. At nearly a foot shorter than him, I think that this one might actually work in my favor.

34 comments:

  1. Limbo contest, you'd kill him.

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  2. Bouncy balls. You know, the big ones with the rubber handle on top. The balls you can ride.

    Excuse the pun.

    THAT'S what you guys need to do next. If they even still make 'em.

    Funny blog... I'll certainly be back.

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  3. I was going to say what blondie said - foiled again! How about one of those commando rope courses - where you need to crawl under ropes and tyres? Or a Race around the world with yoyos? Spoilsport from the Target woman - I would have been tempted to get one of those guns that shoots nerf balls and gone for it. But that is just me.

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  4. A No-Fun person assigned to work in "The Fun Zone" at Target.....?

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  5. furious-

    I hadn't thought of that! Hmmm, it has possibilities.

    I'm not so sure that it's a sure thing, though... he's 23 and has youth and flexibility on his side and I'm, well, not young and need to stretch just to get the flexibility to get out of bed in the morning.

    Thanks for the suggestion. I hope that he's not reading this. ;)

    -velvet

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  6. blondie-

    The balls you can ride.

    Hee, hee. Well, then... I have far more practice at that than he does. ;)

    They do still make those, as a matter of fact. We actually have one, so I can get in some training. Great suggestion!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    -velvet

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  7. thisisme-

    Those bouncy balls do seem to be a good suggestion... now I just have to find one that will take his weight.

    If only you could have been there, armed and ready to run interference with the Target woman. That would have been fabulous! I still would have lost, though. Sigh.

    -velvet

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  8. ame-

    I think that being a wet rag was in the job description for that position. Heaven forbid that people should play with the toys. ;)

    -velvet

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  9. i was kicked out of target when i was jr high.
    actaully, banned.
    for stealing lip gloss.
    oh man. =(

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  10. Hmmm - a tricycle race would give YOU the advantage, wouldn't it? Good strategy. Keep us posted.

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  11. I laughed all the way through this post! I will get kicked out of anyplace with you anytime. And at 5'1", I'd be a much better dueling partner than Sasha.

    Say when.

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  12. Oh man. Sounds like we have a few more challenges to take on here, velvet!
    I guess I should start eating my Wheaties or something.
    Or maybe YOU should. muahaha.
    Just name the place and game and its on.

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  13. ashley-

    Yeah. They frown on that kind of stuff, don't they? Well, hopefully their memory is short and you can go back again. :)

    -velvet

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  14. bernie-

    Hmmm, my strategy is that obvious, is it?

    Any misadventures will most certainly be posted. ;)

    -velvet

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  15. heart-

    Woohoo! A new playmate!

    Yes, I think that we would be very fairly matched. If you ever head out to the east coast, the duel is on! ;)

    -velvet

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  16. Up next...THOWN OUT OF A WAL-MART!?!

    It's something to shoot for. ;)

    Steve~

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  17. sasha-

    Yes, youngster, you'd better eat your Wheaties. I wouldn't get too cocky now that you have a victory under your belt because not all of our contests may be so easy for you to win. ;)

    You'll be hearing from me. Don't you worry. And if you get a sudden brainstorm you know where to find me.

    -velvet

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  18. steve-

    Getting thrown out of Wal-mart is definitely on the list. It's something that I aspire to. ;)

    -velvet

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  19. Oh wow! I love you and your friend Sasha! I want to go toy shopping with you two gals! Yeah!

    By the way, since you had gorged yourself on Mexican beforehand, I'm surprised you didn't begin farting when the woman asked you to leave.

    That would have been a nice touch indeed.

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  20. frank-

    Nothing like a big-box chain store to cause trouble in. Yee-hah! ;)

    -velvet

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  21. dan-

    The gas would have been an interesting touch, but I think that I was closer to vomiting after all the exertion.

    Sasha's actually a guy. Still, you're more than welcome to come out and play with us sometime... maybe I can get Sasha to wear a skirt, though it's not really his thing. You'll have to wear one, too, in the spirit of fairness. You game? ;)


    -velvet

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  22. Aww, poor Target employee. She was probably just too cranky and maybe PMS-ing to be able to appreciate your free spirit. However, I'm sure the folks watching the security cameras were probably rolling on the floor with laughter!

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  23. Yes, she was a one-woman joviality-free zone. It was sad to see.

    And I hope that you're right that the security folks got a kick out of it. That would make me smile.

    -velvet

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  24. I bet they have your picture on the wall now.

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  25. Mist-

    I hope they got my good side. ;)

    -velvet

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  26. I never before thought about what a turtle would look like when pissed off. A Target worker at closing time, of course.

    You mischief maker. Where will you find tricycles...? Toys 'R Us? Make sure you show up at closing time...

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  27. You're a mischief maker :)

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  28. jocelyn-

    Toys 'R' Us was our first thought, but I have to figure out which location. After all, I can't be banned from the one that I normally go to because that would be a disaster. ;)

    -velvet

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  29. le nightowl-

    Yes, Marie, I am a mischief maker. Life is too short to not have some fun. :)

    -velvet

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  30. Oops! I hope I haven't insulted Sasha! I have now re-read the post and noticed the telling pronouns.

    I'll wear a skirt if you bring the bagpipes.

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  31. dan-

    Don't you worry about insulting Sasha. He's got pretty thick skin, as the saying goes.

    As for the bagpipes, I'm all for it, but I'm afraid that we wouldn't get any further in the store than the front doors before being asked to leave. ;)

    -velvet

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  32. It's fun being silly, though! If I was that no-fun woman, I would have either joined in or just watched and laughed! Stupid woman. She could have had you stood outside promoting the place, but no!
    Helen

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  33. helen-

    I would be greatly surprised if this woman had a single fun bone in her body. I think that other people would have been amused, too, but she really had no sense of humor. Pity.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    -velvet

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