Friday, December 7, 2007

I've pulled all of my posts. They're not gone; they're just pulled. This post may also be pulled very soon, but not before I've had a chance to get it all out there before sending this post off into the ether with a few keystrokes.

I don't really know why I did this. I don't want to delete my blog or at least not right now. If I'd wanted to do that, I'd have done it already. After all, Blogger makes it as easy as two mouse-clicks to delete a whole blog, as all you blogspot bloggers are aware. No, I've just pulled the posts until I figure out what I want to do. And for those of you who've been around long enough, I've reverted to my original black background.

As you may have guessed lately, I'm not happy. As a matter of fact, I've not been happy for over a year now, but have been increasingly unable to blog about it. In all honesty, that's why I've posting so infrequently. I've been unable to put on a happy face and try to blog about something unrelated. I've felt as trapped and unable to express myself on my blog as I have been in real life.

Basically, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to be the strong one all the time and would love, for even one lousy day, to have someone hold me in their arms and say, "I'll take care of you. I'll be strong for you. I'll protect you," and that I'd actually feel taken care of, able to lean on them, and actually feel protected and, for once, safe. Perhaps I can feel safe if I wrap my arms around myself. I'll be in the arms of someone who's used to having to take control, to carry their own weight and other's. That's the only solution that I can come up with.

So be it.

Muse has been serving as a soundtrack lately. Most of you will probably not like these two videos at all (right, Mom?), but I've been immersed in their music for the past few weeks despite the dark places that they take me.

That perfectly symbolizes the free-fall my mind's taken lately.

And this one is the Muse video that got me hooked, though I first heard Muse in the van from Alabama to Atlanta, Georgia, when I did an iPod swap with someone else. On the one hand, Justin Theroux, the actor who is featured in this video, is quite nearly the physical ideal in my mind with his very lean, muscular build, but I've been on the receiving end of male rage like that a long time ago and have mixed emotions. It's at once terrifying, yet hard to look away from despite bringing back some ugly times. But the body, oh, the body... the irrepressible libido speaks yet again...


  1. I am putting my arms around myself, giving a tight squeeze while thinking of you.
    When you read this please do the same and think of me.
    That is the best I can do right now to give you a great big hug.

  2. Sometimes I've found it's best to simply say "I hear you". Because I do. Perhaps not in all the circumstances but in the feelings attached.

    Please keep writing. You might be very surprised to find out there are plenty others who either feel similarly now or have in the past.

  3. oh velvet, i'm sorry to hear about the hurting heart and mind. i'm there too.

    this impetus to change your spot is healthy, go with it, but take care.

  4. Do what you have to do, but remember you do have support ... even though you only know some of us as words on a monitor.

  5. Oh, Velvet. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way. I can attest to the fact that it is very tiring to always be the one taking care of others, to be the strong one who holds it all together for everyone else.
    I hope that you find what you need for your own happiness. It sounds like it's time to make yourself your first priority, at least for a while.
    2007 wasn't a very good year for me either - next year has got to be better...

  6. I hear you, and I'm here if you need me. Do what you need to do, and know that I'll be here to read, and send virtual hugs.

    Would you like a holiday from my blogroll of who I'm reading? Happy to send you on hiatus if that is what you need.

  7. ame-
    I did. Thank you. It'll do until we see each other again. :-)

    Thank you very much for your support and encouragement. It really does mean a lot to me that there are people out there who read this and understand.

    I will keep writing even if it takes me a while to get back into the mindset that it takes. I'm not ready to give up on blogging yet because the community is really so wonderful. :-)

    I'm not one to do things that are too rash; even if my decisions seem rather hurried, I've usually completely thought it all out and decided that it's the best course of action.

    I hope that your hurting heart and mind are on the way to healing. You really deserve the happiness.

    Thank you for the support. Even if I were to delete my blog (which I don't plan to right now), I would still stop around to visit all the wonderful people whom I've "met" here in the blogosphere, like yourself. You're all wonderful. :-)

    tammie jean-
    Sorry to hear that you've had such a bad year. Sometimes whole years are like that.... I hope that 2008 is a better year.

    Yes, being the one who has to get everything done or keep everything together is a real drain on body, mind, and spirit. Unfortunately, once the pattern has been established it's nearly impossible to alter and which ends up being detrimental to the person who has to carry the burden. How did we get into this and how do we break out? I wish that there were obvious answers.

    Oh, and Muse... great stuff!

    As one of my longest running regular readers, your support means a lot to me. Thank you so much! It's always really great to have you stop by. :-)

    No need to pull me from the blogroll, really. It's nice to know that I'm still connected out there.

  8. You don't know me, nor I you. We don't see each other ever, at all. I can't help you with the day-to-day.

    Yet, in a weird way, you mean something to me. And I feel pain for your pain. I hope blogging can help, as a release, an outlet, whatever.

    I like you so much. I am a little angry that you're dealing with everything alone. So, like Thailandchani, do know I hear you.

  9. {{{{{ HUGS }}}}}
    {{{{{ HUGS }}}}}
    {{{{{ HUGS }}}}}

    We're all in this thing called life together my sweet friend. Thanks for calling out. I don't want you feeling alone.

  10. I am still here and I'm so sorry to hear how you are hurting. I understand those times when you shut yourself out or up...I was just thinking about that and myself this morning.. I will keep checking in and be sending you positive vibes. Go and take care of yourself!


  11. jocelyn-
    Thank you for the support and kind words! I think you're pretty wonderful and it's always great to have you around my corner of blogland! You can always e-mail me, you know. ;-)

    As far as dealing with these things on my own, it's a matter of not getting the support or help that I need here on the homefront. I do have a friend or two whom I could talk to, but they're very busy with their own lives and the time that they can listen to me is at a premium. I'll get by... I always do.

    Thanks for the hugs and support! You really are awesome and I'm glad that your paths crossed here in the blogosphere. :-)

    Thanks for the positive vibes... I can really use them! It's a shame that we get to a point where we have to wall ourselves off from other people just to make things easier for ourselves. It really makes me think about how our society is no longer set up to get support from each other as easily. It's sad.

    It's good that we all can at least support each other here. :-)

  12. If you need a stranger to turn to please, be my guest. I always thought there was a great deal of sunlight in your life so it is just painful to read otherwise.

    My email inbox is at your disposal :)